I was thinking on the way back from grocery shopping, and I realised that I had forgotten how to share my feelings with people. Before Silea, I was pretty expressive. I had opinions and I was vocal about them, unshy of the criticism that I may face from the people around me. I made friends that way, and I was happy.

When I was with Silea, I would tell her everything. As expressive as before, just focused on a single individual. I became more introspective, focusing on just the two of us, and barely made time for friends. After all, at least after the first year and a half, she was going to be the centre of my life.

Now, I've changed. I'm afraid of other people's negative reactions of my thoughts and feelings. I'm afraid of burdening people with my fears and daily problems. I find it difficult to trust people.

Maybe that's why I feel lost. My path ahead had been smeared away in a matter of minutes, and I had done nothing to stop it. Now, I'm directionless. A wave tossing in the ocean.

And I've run to my old blog to find release from this pain I feel.

Today, I realised that my family does not understand me. It's not that they don't try, or that they misunderstand: they simply do not. It's in the conversations I had with my sister, my brother and my mother. Lack thereof with my father. I used to think that I was weird, that they just couldn't get my jokes, or that they couldn't see things from my point of view.

Well, they can't.

They can't see that I'm not like my brother and sister. I'm neither athletic nor street-smart. I may once have used to, but now I fail to force myself to enjoy watching others dancing, or take dancing seriously myself. Like one who is blind, I can't grasp the idea that moving your body a certain way and in sync with music is enjoyable for a viewer. But unlike the blind, I don't wish to.

I believe that my siblings are highly egoistic. My brother derives his self-esteem from earning respect and admiration from others, often voicing his concern for that need to be met. Especially from myself, who somehow feels obligated to give him that self-fulfilment he so wishes to hear. My sister speaks mostly of things that occur around her, how she feels about them, and especially what she choses to ignore. It's easy for her to quickly become the centre of her universe, even more so as she shoots down your point of view with pinpoint accuracy.

My mother is one who gives. But only to those she chooses. Her faith has taught her to view things in black and white, and she has succeeded in accomplishing this in every aspect of her life. And her children's' lives (as far as she knows them). She is a wonderful mother, but it is easy to recognise her flawed perspective of the world once you step out behind her large, protective wings. What peeves me the most today is the lack of thanks from her eldest children, and how she fails to voice her concern of that lack of thanks, even when she clearly does so for other children. You would think that a mother with two adult children would take every opportunity to hold on to them.

My father is like me. Or possibly many things I wish will never become of me. He is a fair man, who keeps his thoughts inside his mind far longer than he should, fearful of what others would say, dreaming of every worst case scenario. He keeps his anger deep within, only to unleash its full force with no warning on its unworthy target. He is resistant to change, likening his dreams to what he already knows, a bird within a cage, afraid of the terror of the unknown.

But maybe it's I who have changed. Changed from being that boy who would ramble on with facts no one cared for, cracking jokes with no audience, seeking myself within rather than without. I crave a listener, anyone willing to add to my knowledge, to challenge my ideas, to laugh when recommended, to hear my cry. Maybe my family has yet to realise that I neither want their mere presence, their eyes of sympathy nor their bored stares. I want their attention, their focus, their interest.

I want them to understand me.

heyya. sorry been busy so no time to blog. but i've just been grounded... so i won't be doing this for another long while unless something cool comes up. 1 hour a day for com so what'd you expect? :\

L9'09 UNITE today was awesome!!! great job and the sn girls who put in all the effort, and not forgetting ben broughton and jarvis! thanks for everything!

GREAT JOB TO THE P&W TEAM!!! NIGEL, NATHAN, ALEX AND NATALIE!!! THE MUSIC WAS AWESOME!!!

went cycling yesterday and failed competition at funan... it was really fun and refreshing. cycled around 5 click maybe? left my bike at ryan's... so gotta go get it back soon. i keep leaving stuff with him :\

well, this march holiday is gonna be 4 chapters a week (thanks for the calculations matt!) chiong studying and doing ten year series... gotta catch up. thanks mum. so enjoy the break everyone! and it would be nice to call in and talk since i can't go out or use the com... thanks! btw, hope you guys had fun at shinEE!

A real friend would have stopped it.
A real friend would have ran after me.
A real friend wouldn't have figured that i would just come crawling back.
A real friend would have the decency to say sorry. Whether by phone or to my face.
A real friend wouldn't have just looked like he felt guilty and avoid eye contact.
My real friend would have called me by now.

The previous time this happened, at least one of you came. Now, it's gonna be harder this time.

Remember all those tests? You just failed yours. Thanks friend


today was the day-off for the good O-level results! finally... but wasn't as productive as i wanted it to be. running, check. singing, check. homework, eh... half check. study, quarter check. i'm fucked up i swear. SOMEONE PLEASE STUDY WITH ME. i need someone to motivate me by studying with me... anyone please?

now got chinese tuition on tuesday with joel... and camera + school + funny teachers+ crazy classmates = SUPER FUN PHOTOS!!! ahaha!! got to video lky do loads of ZULUS!!! haha. if you don't know what's that, i'll tell you next time.

i've got a feeling that i'm gonna be the only one at the meeting tomorrow, and that i'm gonna be the next one to get the flu virus that has been flying around my friends. PLEASE. i need some time to catch up with my homework... i'm so screwed tomorrow

see you when i see you. and thanks for the invite

B4 for normal chinese might not make the cut. this is the final straw. someone told me not to worry 'cause it's just a stepping stone and that i tried my best, but like loads of other stuff in my life, i know i didn't try my hardest.

congrats to those happy with their results, condolences to those who aren't, and "WHATEVER" to those thru-train.

i'm keeping my macbook in my closet for now till i really need to use it. so don't expect to see me as often as usual. see you when i see you.

thanks natalie low :)

first week of school was terrible for me... already super tired on tuesday though i had 8 good hours of sleep... i guess continuously sleeping for 12 hours every day during the hols isn't that good if you can't adapt back to 8 hours fast...

'cause of the sec one camp, missed loads of lessons and have to catch up on homework... but DAMN SIAN TO DO LEH. sec one camp was kinda boring for me, 'cause i was stuck with rong kang and xian wei at one game for the entire 2 days i was there, so we ended up explaining, playing and debriefing about 27+ times... ARGH. the lucky guys could play handball with the classes... wednesday night came home at 10pm with jon leong, zhong yi and john after dinner at this damn nice prawn mee place close to school. watched youtube until 3++, then went to sleep... AND WOKE UP LATE. had to chiong breakfast and chiong to school. then on thursday came home at 9pm, bathe and slept straight away in the end didn't do any work for the whole 2 days... like wtf.

servers meeting on friday was great, but i hope to see more people turn up next time... so much admin work to do tonight...

yesterday finished maths, but i still got english, chinese and bio hmwk to finish. got chem test this week too... ryan stayed over yesterday to keep me company since my parents were gone for the past 3 days. home alone! haha... did loads of (failed) covers, but i posted one which is psycho girl by busted. enjoy!



gotta chiong for guitar class now...

HAPPY NEW YEAR. senior year is finally here. get ready for the ride.

31st was great. starbucks with ryan, then sabs came, then ryan left after lunch. went to bras basah to get her contacts, then bus-ed to justin's place for the nyd party. well, it was more like a gathering and dinner. fun playing twister, taking pictures of people playing twister, getting whacked in the nuts for taking pictures of people playing twister, then finding elephant boxers in justin's laundry basket :P haha.

food was good, company was good. around 11.30 bus-ed home with sabrina. well actually we started walking to the bus stop then, so my first ever new year's day not at home was on the bus ride home with sabs. haha. walk home was refreshing, and decided to do the message-everybody-you-can thing. hehe. had like loads of messages after that.

1st morning woke up late... then went to j8 to meet ryan, sabs and cabrini(who was also late...). bought some food, then bus-ed to ECP. suppose to go to sentosa, but after much consultation from kelly, ben byrne and andrea the previous night, we didn't want to spend the morning at the beach which was sand mixed with booze, vomit and a whole other lot of crap, so ECP it was.

taught sabrina to cycle(which was faster than expected! :X)! thank god no more 2 people bike... cycled from the shop to the pier, then stopped under some shade, laid down the ground sheet and just slacked there. me and ryan wanted to tan a bit, but cabrini sorta couldn't stand THE SIGHT, so we just talked, took LOADS of pictures and videos of each other throwing peanuts into our mouths. haha. lots of fun! cycled back, ate a little at BK, then bus-ed back to sabs house for a bit. i left for home first cause i had to serve mass, but met ryan at the bus stop! haha... found another website called "igotnotv.com" thanks cabrini and ryan! ZOMBIELAND WAS DAMN FUNNY!!

saturday sent my bro and sis off at the airport... sorry i left early guys! take care ya! mrt-ed from changi to city hall for jeremy's birthday lunch which was great! except for this big fat asshole who couldn't shut up and stop being gay... :X anyway, HAPPY BIRTHDAY JEREMY! shit... why are you sixteen already??? some of the guys made this concoction of soya sauce, milk, sugar, cherry, breaksticks and A LOT OF TOBASCO. damn sick... but wth. luckily no one drank it. walked around at raffles place, then bus-ed with nathan and claire towards church for mass. SWENSONS FOR DINNER! YAY :D! damn shiok sia. the soup is awesome... thanks mum and dad!

watched sherlock homles with ryan on sunday which was AWESOME. action + ingenuity is one of the best combinations for a movie.

school has started... and i already feel tired in school... AW MAN. I'M SCREWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWWED!!!

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